Quickly check your Leave Me a Note page. Some of your section editors want to meet you in person and exchange numbers tomorrow during lunch.
Please Do Now:
- Read the following article written by one of our staff writers in Journalism II: Beach High Golf Article.
- Print off the article and mark it up for style, grammar, punctuation, etc.
- As a comment to this post, critique the article’s lead, use of quotes, and structure. Give practical advise on what works, what doesn’t, and how to fix what doesn’t work.
Today, students will:
- Edit an article as a group.
- Final edit their own remaining articles.
- Brainstorm new articles.
- Plan new articles.
- Conduct interviews.
- Prewrite new articles.
Tonight’s homework is:
- RSVP to your section meeting if your section editor has requested one by leaving them a note.
- Begin your new articles.
15 responses so far ↓
amaliar2011 // November 1, 2007 at 4:11 pm |
Hey, sorry I’m absent, but I’m doing the work from my home computer:
-The lead is good, but it’s a bit complicated and long. You can split it into two sentences.
-The quotes are really good but instead of saying “Thirtenn competetive players” try to get someone on the team to say taht htey are competetive.
-The structure in winegalss, I think
-Words like “prestigious” and “conveniently” don’t work unless it’s an opinion piece because it strikes me as what you think. Try to ommit them
-Also use “freshman,sophmore,junior and senior” when refering to their year instead of the grade number.
-You should also get some quotes from the eam about how they expect to do
carlosm2010 // November 1, 2007 at 5:14 pm |
the very first sentence in the second paragraph “coach Michael Perez…..the team managed….was kind of wierd. their was also a misspelled team “ream” was writen instead.
lastly the last paragraph was a good way to end but at the same time it sort of leaves you hanging….makes you say whats next?!?!?
joselyng2010 // November 1, 2007 at 5:15 pm |
I think your lead is too long. I believe your structure is wineglass. Your four paragraph sounds like an opinion and observation. Try getting a quote in the first two paragraphs. Maybe you want to mention the other players and positions. Other than that I enjoyed it!
mariap2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:19 pm |
The lead is too long! The stucture is wineglass. you may want to add something to the end because it is kind of a cliffhanger. The rest is good!
manuelam2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:19 pm |
- To start ,your lead is not bad but it is long and you could bore our readers.
- you have really good qoutes , but you need to get more qoutes from other players in the team.
-The structure is wineglass ,i guess.
- use “freshmen.sophmore, etc.. when your saying their year.
I think that you need to put more work into this article.
danielag2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:19 pm |
- I think the lead is good but it is a litle too long . Maybe you can shrten that by summirazing it or by taking off the details that arent so important.
- I think your quotes are really good. But in your quotes you have some mispelling
-And be more specific on your topics and details.
wendyg2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:20 pm |
lead: like your lead lead. But break it up into 2 sentences. End the 1st by “…a full team.” and at the end of that sentence, end it with “…for the first time.” Instead, of writing it after “MBSH has, for the first time…”
quotes: good use of quotes. Getting one of the players to say how they feel about the golf. and the coach’s quote on the golf team’s future.
The last quote write it as, “We would like…district champs,” stated Coach Perez on the team’s future. “We’re all working…Beach High proud.”
structure: no structure really.
oscart2007 // November 1, 2007 at 5:20 pm |
The 1st part of the lead up to the first comma dosnt need to be there. The 5th “paragraph” dosnt need to be there. Add the qoute to the second paragraph. A few more qoutes would be nice.
alessiap2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:20 pm |
-The articles lead is not as informative as it could be, and doesn’t surmise what the article will be about.
-The use of quotes is great, although there could be a wider variety, such as interviewing the head of the athletic department.
-The structure is mish-mash of thoughts and ideas, and doesn’t have a certain structure to it.
-There are very good ideas in this article and awesome information. It is overall a great article, and just needs some work.
Alessia
amandae2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:20 pm |
The article’s lead has too many words. It is very twisted, and is hard to understand.
The quotes don’t appear until the 4th paragraph!! Although they are “OK” quotes, they should appear at least in the 3rd one.
The structure is inverted pyramid (?? kind of),
DETAILS..
1st. who’s to say that patrick brennan and daniel peterson are the “Catalysts” of the team? Maybe if she got them in a quote, it would be okay.. but she doesnt… so.. Not okay
2nd. the way it is written is a little too confusing. too many words that end up not meaning anything.
3rd. needs a grammar check.
–Amanda
stephanieo2011 // November 1, 2007 at 5:21 pm |
The lead answered the 5 W’s but the first phrase could be way better.
Rephrase the “show for their progress”
Has too many run on sentences
Needs more organization, the information is scattered.
The article should be longer and more detailed, and the sentence structure needs some work.
blancaj2011j // November 1, 2007 at 5:22 pm |
Give practical advise on what works, what doesn’t, and how to fix what doesn’t work.
The Article’s lead: Reiterates that Miami Beach Senior High has manged a full team, I believe you should cut one out.
Quotes: Isn’t Aaron Groff in the newspaper? Get someone not in Journalism or the Beachcomber.
Structure: I’m sure you began each paragraph with something new, but shouldn’t there be at least five sentences in a paragraph?
I believe you should maintain the news article in past tense. The second and third paragraph are not in past tense.
The team is spelled wrong in the fourth paragraph.
Who are you talking about in the second paragraph, first sentence? The coach or the team?
vanessav2o11 // November 1, 2007 at 5:25 pm |
The structure is wineglass and the lead is too long ! It kinda leave’s me hanging o.O
vanessav2o11 // November 1, 2007 at 5:25 pm |
* LEAVESSSSS
patrickb2009 // November 1, 2007 at 5:27 pm |
The Article wasnt that bad although you made some mistakes. You need to organize your information ! and if it was up to me I would get more quotes from more people maybe also different grades. Also dont make so much run-on sentences that like 1 paragraph is one sentence dont do that. At last change your title to like golf team 07/08 not New golf team makes regionales it has barely something to do with that.