Let’s revisit proper journalistic style:
- Everything should be in the third person: No, “I, me, my, you, your, you’re, we, us, our” anywhere in the article unless you are quoting someone.
- Write as if you were assigned the story for the Miami Herald. Try to forget for a minute that you are a student: No: “Here at Beach High, students here, this school, etc.” Act as though you are an outsider looking in.
- Do not insert your opinion into the story. The reader should not know how you feel about anything. If you want to include a student’s perspective, quote a student – but do not ‘quote yourself’ by saying what you think.
- Do not be conversational with your reader. Be formal, authoritative, detatched, official. The rythm of the article should be, “Inform, quote, explain, inform, quote, explain.”
- Be precise: Names, positions and dates matter.
- Be succint: Do not try to impress the reader with your command of Shakespearean English. Your goal is to inform, not confuse.
Please Do Now:
- Alessia is getting closer to publishing her article. How close are you?
- Read it at: http://alessiap2011.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/the-fcat-story-third-draft.doc
- Find 3 changes that you approve of, 3 more changes that she still needs to make, and submit them as a comment to this post.
Today, students will:
- Revisit proper journalistic style
- Peer edit each other’s work for proper journalistic style using J1 Peer Editing Groups 9.26.07
- Find 3 changes that you approve, and 3 changes that are still needed before the article is ready for publication. Submit them as comments to your groupmates’ posts. Focus on proper journalistic style!
- If your groupmate has not made any changes since the last time you commented, submit the following comment to their post: “Hey! What do you think you are, perfect or something? We all took the time to comment on your post and you didn’t even bother to read our feedback, did you? Well, thanks for making my life easier since I don’t have to comment again, but I know yours is about to get harder since Mr. Weiss is grading us on the changes we make to our drafts!”
- Work on FINAL DRAFTS (LA.A.1.4)
Tonight’s homework is:
- Final drafts are due Friday
16 responses so far ↓
amaliar2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:19 pm |
I approve of:
-The clarification of the point system used to grade the schools
-The more formal way of writing instead of the preciouse “conversational” way
-The completion of thoughts, leaving no space to doubt what she is saying.
She still needs to change:
-”Whether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies”. The ‘you’ should not be there
-The repeated use of Dr.Sidener
-”all that school pride that Dr. Sidener is raising throughout the school is much correlated to a raise in ” that should be in a quote
patrickb2009 // September 26, 2007 at 5:20 pm |
Your third draft is even better. I like how you changed your spelling mistakes and you punctuation mistakes. I also liked that you shortened your article by a lot. What I think was the best change, was that you put your article in an easier form. One more change you could do before it gets published is you could infuse more quotes and make it less like you are a student here. What else you could do is you could go over your information again to see if it is correct. No offense though your article is great.
stephaniea2009 // September 26, 2007 at 5:24 pm |
Whether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies.
-> You attempted to change the way the words are aranged to make the sentence sound better but quite honestly the sentence still makes no sense and maybe you should just eliminate the sentence if you really cant figure out how to phrase it because when a reader comes across that sentence they really will have no idea what you are stying to say if they dont read it at least twice.
->the school grade increased form an F to a D..
change the form to FROM , i know that is what you meant, Its just a minor grammar mistake .. its not biggie.
->OTHER THAN THAT
GREAT ARTICLE !
good examples, good ideas
and great writing
plus , i love your choice of quotes !
good job
emmanuelleh2010 // September 26, 2007 at 5:25 pm |
i approve and agree with the quote:“What we’ve done is took a look at the schools performance and how the kids did on the eight tested benchmarks in reading and we picked the one that the kids had the most trouble with; that’s the one we emphasized first
I also agree with how alessia stood up to her story and really dedicated alot of effort in it.
Another thing i agree on is how alessia got all the information from the other school and really tried to find out the solution to this topic.
I don not agree on how she stated herself in the story
I do not agree on the lenght of the story it is too long
I do not agree on how she only interviewed honor and freshmen teachers
carlosm2010 // September 26, 2007 at 5:28 pm |
nice! you took away all of the parts that made you a person from the schoo(that i could find) and all of the parst that sounded opinionish
manuelam2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:29 pm |
I approve:
-how you made the article shorter
-you made your article into a much easier form
-also how well you organize it.
I dont approve:
-how you sometimes just forget that your a student here.
thats just about it your article is really good keep up the good work
danielag2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:30 pm |
Uhm well three changes that made your article better was the fact that you made the artcle shorter, and changed some words that some student smay not understand and last i think the best thing that you did to improve your article was how you eneded your article. and three things that you should change is still some words that many students may not understand . that is really the change that i think you shouyld do to improve your aricle.
blancaj2011j // September 26, 2007 at 5:33 pm |
Blanca Jara
APPROVE:
1. I liked the way you added the sentence about the 10 extra points given to the school if at least 50% of all the 11th and 12th graders score a three or higher on the reading and math portion of the FCAT.
2. Also, the way that you bring the fact that everyone is on the same page, the school wide focus calender. Teachers are applying reading skills to science, that’s great.
3. The closing statement is so positive!
CHANGES:
1. Isn’t Jeb Bush the former governor? You should change it to former governor.
2. The first sentence of the second paragraph has two periods, unless you meant to write … but, then it wouldn’t make any sense. So you should change it.
3. The first paragraph of the third sentence, I believe has should all be lowercase.
amandae2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:33 pm |
So, Alessia. Your article has definitely improved.
You don’t refer to yourself, you have used quotes to express your opinions, and you explained the things that were a bit hard to understand previously!
CONGRATS!
Still, there are some things you need to correct.
Little details..
“Whether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies. ”
- I think that if you put the word ‘whether’, it should read “whether students are reading a text in content in math, science or reading, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies.” Otherwise, you should omit the ‘whether’ and replace it with ‘if’ or another word like it.
“there is not much that is needed to be reviewed”
- The grammar in this sentence is not quite right. Maybe you should try “there is not much in need to be reviewed” or “there is not much to catch up on”
“Each classroom should be equipped with one”
- One what? Although it states it in the previous sentence, i think it would help to have it repeated
“What we’ve done is took a look at”
- this sentence is not correct either. Try “What we took a look at…” (it’s a little less confusing)
“Ms. Robins, assistant principal at Miami Beach Senior High, explains that the students performance decreased from 2005-2006 to 2006-2007 because in every area that they could have scored points on, they decreased and did not make a learning gain. ”
- I think this sentence is a bit redundant.
“Time will tell if whether”
- You either use if or whether. Not both
“And all that school pride ”
- I would edit the ‘and’ out
“is much correlated”
- Maybe it would be better to say “is very much correlated” or “is correlated”
“I wanna be better”
- I think you should edit that to I WANT to be better
“For this new year, Dr. Sidener give Beach High new plans”
- “For this new year, Dr. Sidener will give” or “For this new year, Dr. Sidener is planning to give”
“Let’s hope the school can catch the new wave. ”
- Maybe instead of using “lets” which is kind of informal, you should use “hopefully, the school can catch the new wave”
xoxo!!!!
-Amanda E
wendyg2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:34 pm |
I approve of:
-changes of the words: “our, we, you…” to- “the students, they, she…”
-how you replaced your opinion sentences and added quotes by others to represent them
-Your new structure of your article.
Changes needed to be made:
-change the very last sentence…”For this new year, Dr. Sidener…” to- “for this new school year…”
-change in your third paragraph, second sentence “While she was at Booker…increased form an F to a D.” to- “…Increased FROM an F to a D.”
-check come simple spelling errors and stuff like that. Nothing more.
Love your article Alessia. Especially, once again, how you expressed your opinions as quotes this time. And I love YOU! =))
jessenian2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:40 pm |
well i think that your third draft was really good i think that u claryfied the points very well and i really liked the ending of your article. the only thing is that i think its still kind of long and u sometimes maty loose the intrest of the reader
mariap2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:40 pm |
3 changes I approve of are :
#1 – the changes you did to the structure.
#2 – That you removed your opinions and yourself from the article.
#3- That you changed the paragraph about Dr.Sidener that we discussed last time (about the grades of the other school she was in charge of last year)
3 changes I think you should make:
#1- You should make it shorter.
#2- You still included an opinion in the 11th paragraph.
#3 – this sentence is a bit confusing ” Whether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies ”
This article is great and no doubt it will be an amazing article!!! Keep it up!!
arielaz2009 // September 26, 2007 at 5:45 pm |
Revisions;
1. “The FCAT is a pivotal element in the academic lives of students because they must pass this yearly exam to graduate.”
change to; The FCAT is a yearly academic exam that determines the graduation of Florida high school students.
2. “As a newcomer to Beach High, Dr. Sidener Has brought about a new way of running things. ”
change to; As a newcomer to Beach High, Dr. Sidener has brought her distinct teaching and adminstrative ideas.
3. “Under Governor Jeb Bush’s A+ Plan the student results from the FCAT generate a grade for his/her school; the higher the grade, the more the funding. ”
change to; ” Former Governor Jeb Bush established the “A+ Plan”, which rewards schools with high FCAT scores with more funding.”
Good Changes;
1. “A point system is used to determine the grade of your school, where one point is given for each percent of the students who score high on the FCAT (level 3,4, or 5) and/or they made a years worth of growth, which is also known as a learning gain.”
2. ““These grades communicate to the public how well a school is performing relative to state standards,” describes a packet given out by the Florida Department of Education. This year, high schools can earn an extra 10 points if at least 50% of their 11th and 12th grade students pass the FCAT retake in reading and math. ”
3. “There has been a great effort to try to get all the teachers on the same page. A meeting was held over the summer with most of the departments to align the curriculum. The teachers are now doing basically the same thing at about the same time so that. Now if a student gets a schedule change there is not much that is needed to be reviewed. Many benchmark tests have been given to students to help administer what needs to be taught before March.”
oscart2007 // September 26, 2007 at 5:45 pm |
I approve of:
• Cutting the last paragraph
• Put the point system topic at the top to keep the readers interested & having the paper 3rd person
Still needs to change
• Was still supporting Dr. Sidner
• The conversation was unbalanced, favorable to the FCAT
• Keep all things in present tense XD
joselynm2009 // September 26, 2007 at 5:46 pm |
Bad
Wether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies.
-Whether students are in science or what? You need to state another class subject or remove the whether altogether.
What we’ve done is took a look &
We sat down and we took a look at where we performed and then we set up for each one something for the teachers to focus on in every class.
-Took a look still doesn’t make sense please look back to these grammatical corrections I did on the last draft it doesn’t look like you’ve fixed them.
Now if a student gets a schedule change there is not much that is needed to be reviewed.
-this is your opinion
Good
.. Under Governor Jeb Bush’s A+ Plan the student results from the FCAT generate a grade for his/her school; the higher the grade, the more the funding.
-Very informative but im not sure if its relevant because he’s no longer the governor
Administration is now enforcing old rules.
- its good that you took out that whole paragraph and summed it up in a simple sentence
And all that school pride that Dr. Sidener is raising throughout the school is much correlated to a raise in academics and results of the FCAT. “If there is a sense of pride, a sense of ownership that one feels for their school, then they [the students] want to do better,” remarked Ms. Robins.
-its good that you condensed the pride topic into this paragraph instead of all over the article
inesm2011 // September 26, 2007 at 5:50 pm |
Hi Alessia,
Your story is getting better with all of the changes you’ve made. There are a few things you might want too revise such as the phrase : “Whether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping you apply the strategies”. Instead, you can say : “Whether students are in science, reading a text in content, the teacher should be helping students apply the strategies.” The original phrase gives the reader the feeling that you belong to the school, and like Mr. Weiss said, you should , as a reporter, extract yourself from the student body and act more like an outside viewer. “Some students also believe that a big contribution is that their peers think the FCAT is just another test.”, in this sentence, by using the word contribution, it sounds more as if the dropping of the grade were something positive. It’s ok that way but it might sound better written differently. “Dr. Friedman did not enforce the rules. I think what Dr. Sidener and her team have better planning, ” probably sounds better with that…”Let’s hope the school can catch the new wave.” sounds great, but is contradictory in the sense that you are not only inserting you opinion, but also including yourself in the sentence.
Mostly, you were able to remove your point of view from the article which makes it a million times better.
Ines Michelena