Announcements:
- Who wants to go to the 35th annual South Florida Journalism Day, sponsored by FIU and the FSPA? It’s on Saturday, October 13 from 8 to 3:30. Bring in $15 by Friday, or $25 on the day of the conference!
- Read the messages from our Sports and Opinion Editors in posts from last week!
Please Do Now:
- Read the following draft article written by your peer, Alessia: http://alessiap2011.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/the-fcat-story-second-draft.doc
- This is one of the best researched articles to come out of this class (trust me, there are lots of other great ones, too). However, it still needs a lot of work before we can print it (and so does your article, I bet).
- Give Alessia feedback on her article by submiting comments to this post.
Today, students will:
- Discuss proper journalistic style (LA.B.2.4)
- Help a peer revise her work using the “Track Changes” tool in Microsoft Word (LA.B.1.4)
- Begin final drafts
Tonight’s homework is:
- Complete your final draft for Wednesday’s class.
9 responses so far ↓
manuelam2011 // September 24, 2007 at 5:17 pm |
Like mr.weiss said the article needs to be put in journalism style.Also you might want to take out some of the things that you wrote that dont interest students so much like the sentence you wrote about what the packet that the deparment of education wrote.But the rest of the article is great,you mean what you say and you go for it,your a really good reporter.
patrickb2009 // September 24, 2007 at 5:22 pm |
Your Article is great. Your spelling is pretty much correct everywhere and your words are great. Very vivid. The only thing I would change is, I would cut a little bit at the end. On your conclusion. But I gotta give it to you, this article is great. Your Quotes are also great.
mariap2011 // September 24, 2007 at 5:22 pm |
I think it is an amazing article! You had very few spelling and grammar problems but nothing too big. I think you should attempt to put it in one of the jouranlism stryuctures we talked about like the inverted pyramid. Besides that you did an amazing job! This article will be so great!!
inesm2011 // September 24, 2007 at 5:25 pm |
Hi Alessia…first off I would like to congratulate you for writting such a detailed and intricate article. The only problem I see is that you repeat several ideas and things thoughout the article. One of the main things that you repeat alot is the fact that the school grade depends on us working as a team. It’s great that you try to emphasize the point like that, but maybe reducing the times it appears or by rephrasing it to sound like it’s something new, you will earn the reader’s interest for the whole story. Also, there are some parts in which you do not really use “journalism style” such as when you say: “But how did Beach High fall into such a deep hole last year?” Personally I think that it sounds great, but it fits better in an essay or some other type of writing; maybe even a magazine article. Once again…congrats!
Ines Michelena =D
amandae2011 // September 24, 2007 at 5:27 pm |
Hey Alessia.
First thing’s first..
I think your article is AMAZING. it’s really well written (although i think that it may be a little beyond what most students can understand) and really well organized. I think that although you quoted one student AGAINST the fcat, you should maybe put in a little more on that side. But at the same time, coming from a student, i think it is interesting that you took part of the pro-FCAT idea, when most students actually completely disagree with it.
Some little details…
- (For this new year, she has some new plans, new rules, and new spirit, and by the sounds of it, we should raise our grade.) I am not sure this sentences makes a lot of sense.
-(a negative learning gain) Kind of contradictory
-(I think what Dr. Sidener and her team have better planning) Should it be i think THAT Dr…..
-(I wanna), you should probably edit that to i want to
- I also think that Dr. Sidener’s quote “i want to be better tomorrow” should be cut down because it is a bit repetitive
But other than that, you did a really great job!!
xoxox!
blancaj2011j // September 24, 2007 at 5:47 pm |
Hi Alessia Pizzorni.
I am not going to say all the positive attributes that your essay has by flaunting it but instead by critizing constructively.
My name is Blanca Jara and I believe your essay is great.
My point of view: What is ‘it’ in the first paragraph? How are the people suppose to know what it is?
In the second paragraph, isn’t delt spelled dealt.
Sorry… not enough time to finish my DO NOW.
stephaniea2009 // September 24, 2007 at 5:57 pm |
You’ve got a great article here
but i think your opinion is severely
incorporated into the story even though it
is never stated , I also think that you have so much [great!] information and you try to work it all into your article that i cant find your main focus and i often get lost while reading the article
other than that and
minor punctuation mistakes
GOOD JOB!
amaliar2011 // September 24, 2007 at 6:04 pm |
The article was incredible. There were a few stray spelling and grammatical errors, you might want ot ommite you opinion, though
emmanuelleh2010 // September 26, 2007 at 5:36 pm |
your article is goos i love the way you really tried. you just need to fix how your in the story that shouldnt be like that.